In a fairly good mood so wanted to get passed the last journal which was much more self pitying.

Nothing much to say though. We're off in the search for snow today. And perhaps some nice shots will come out of it.

All good.

A bit of self-reflection here. Nothing new, I do this all the time, but I don't tend to publish it. But some things that I've been thinking about recently.

So much of my life is determined by fear, I think. I struggle with it and often pretend that I don't care, but.... It's not a fear of things per se, for the most part anyway. Some would say I have a bit of a death wish so it's definitely not that which scares me. Failure, I suppose, is the crux of it. Fear of failure. It's amazing what I don't try for fear of failing at it.

But it goes deeper than that. It's not just a lack of trying. I have a fear of failing others. I think I've done just that so often that I keep people at an arm's length. I used to carry my heart on my sleeve. What I loved, I loved completely. But not freely...I would be jealous and possessive of what I cared about. And as such I would fail them. I would fail to be the kind of friend or relationship that they deserved. Jealousy is not a big characteristic of mine these days, but neither is wearing my heart on my sleeve. And I can't seem to recapture that even if I try. Trust issues as well, I suppose.

I like to think of myself as essentially a good person. I have a deep dislike of anything that harms people, but also of anything that manipulates them. Puts me at odds with so many things...I'd be hard put to do a career in marketing, sales, law, business, etc... All well and good to highlight the positives of one's product or service, but only if one doesn't simultaneously try and hide the negatives. And of course they all do. That's manipulation. (Just wait for it...this is coming back to me in a minute. lol). Selective use of information to get a desired result. Me...I'm of the "there's no such thing as too much information" school of thought. Makes me crap at job interviews.

So how does that belief system affect me, besides the obvious...how does it tie into my third paragraph? This part of me that cuts people off...keeps them at a distance...will not allow me to ask for help. People ask each other for help all the time. "That's what friends are for" so to speak. But can I be a good friend to someone? Or does my need to keep them at a distance to not fail them really stop me from calling anyone friend. And if I don't let them in, then asking for help...is that an act of friendship or of manipulation? I must admit that typically if I ask for help, it spurs on a period of self-loathing in me rather than any sense of ease based on the assistance. A feeling that i betray my own "goodness" as I am not reciprocating by opening up to them. By being a proper friend.

I have a strange view of friendship that doesn't work well in the real world. If I have ever in my life considered you a good friend, I probably still do. Time and distance don't matter...I happily expect to continue where I left off...be it 5...10...15 years since I've seen you. But of course in reality time does negate that...the shared experiences aren't there anymore. And my sense of friendship, in reality, is probably more nostalgic than true. And when I reconnect with an old friend, there is more of a sense of loss at the end of the meeting... of why did I let this go. Despite the fact that even then I will consider someone a friend still in the whole sense of the word. Sad really.

I wrote in my yearbook, so many many years ago that I never wanted to be alone except by my own choosing. And here I did choose it. Was I right, or did I just completely succomb to fears that I should have faced? I like to be alone...but is that real or have I just been that way so long and repeated that statement so often that it has become the illusion of my life?

I was about to end this journal entry with c'est la vie. And yet, isn't that what I've just spent the whole journal going on about? More inaction. Very telling that my first thought toward summation is essentially "whatever." I am a big believer though infrequent achiever of the Wu Wei which is the taoist belief of inaction. But it is not inaction in the sense that I am engaging it. Inaction isn't about doing nothing...it's about doing in such a natural way that there is no need for thought. Not done for desire or motive...no sense of recrimination afterwards. Action because that's what needs to be done at a given time....

There is much here for me to think about...and perhaps it's time I actually act.

Just joining...


Anyway, it's been a huge amount of time since I updated this thing.

Why is it that for someone who soooo loves the night, that most of my
happiest young memories involve lying around in the sun? Watching
Saturday morning cartoons at the foot of my parent's bed on Spring mornings with the window open and the sunlight beaming through, the fresh air reinvigorating after a long winter. At my elementary school there was a small hill. At the top of this hill (a mere incline really, but to a 10 year old's eyes), there was a slight basin dug out...long enough ago so that the grass had refilled it. Lying there on a warm June day was brilliant. Plus my best friend's house was only two wooden fences away. My grandfather spent his summers in the next town over from me, until he passed on. He stayed on a lake where they would put out the docks for the boats. Not the old permanant constructions of an age before mine, but wooden flotillas buoyed up on massive styrofoam blocks. Lying on these seasonal structures and you were aware of the warmth of the sun on your skin as well as all that heat the wooden boards beneath you had accumulated. Dangling your feet in the cool lake water as the gentle waves give rise and fall to your bed, to be followed seconds later by the soothing splash as those same waves reach the stone speckled shore. I have tried and enjoyed the same on ocean docks, but must recommend against dangling the feet in the water. The salt water and the hot sun do not mix well and I suffered one of the worst sunburns I ever had as a result, my feet swelling up to where my toes couldn't touch the ground and I effectively had no ankles. That said, the ocean produces another of my favorite experiences. For me, the arrival of Spring is practically defined by the point where the warmer days have started to heat the water in the bays and the resulting ocean scent then wafts in to cover the towns all up and down the coast. Even at the age of 37, I am forever a child of the forests and rivers, oceans and islands. I have spent an inordinate amount of time mired in the concrete Legolands of Urban life, but for all that it's never been a good mix. Like an animal that walks up and down along the fences of their enclosure. Perhaps not unhealthily stressed, but constantly aware that one is in the wrong place.

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Had a pretty good time this week. Picked up the movie Daywatch. It's been pretty drastically altered from the books. 'Specially the move from Anton as the idealist who gradually becomes disillusioned through the series into Anton as the tragic figure trying to be redeemed. I'll be curious to see where they take it in Dusk watch it they make a film of that one.

My son was off from school this week so I took the week off as well and he's been with me all week. We've had some adventures and tried new things. We've also watched a _lot_ of the Scooby Doo marathon this week. lol All Scooby, all the time. I'm scoobied out though he's down there watching it even now.

The weather has been incredible this week. Nearly unbelievable for England in February. No rain...cool but not bad....clear blue skies. It clouded over yesterday, but no rain and today we have blue again. Took advantage of it to take some shots in Liverpool on Monday. Good times. 2 days till my birthday. It had slipped my mind again....as it does. I've been known to wake up on my birthday and not realize it until I get to work and see the calendar.

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